How Shame Set Me Free
7/1/2026
Diary // 3
I painted this canvas for a long time before I understood what it wanted to become. What thought was hidden inside it.
For me, painting is the most fascinating process precisely because of this - I have the feeling, but I can't yet see the form. I don't know how it will look in the end. I begin simply by following my hand.
Maybe to someone else this would look like wasted paint. Chaos. No plan, no quality. But for me it's layers - layers that create the thought and the depth of a painting. Energy that settles into the canvas through colour, form, texture, and meaning.
This painting is one of my favourites. Maybe that's why it still hasn't been framed - I keep saving it for some special moment. It reflects a very tender part of me.
I started painting it when I felt enormous tension in my body. I felt like I was making the right choices, moving in the right direction - but I wanted to do it so perfectly. Until one day, shame spilled over me. Shame that I couldn't maintain the perfection I had been chasing so hard.My first instinct was to hide. To turn on myself. To think -I could have tried harder. But I felt bitterness.. It was my sign..
But when the process ended, I saw something else entirely. The shame had set me free. It released the tension I had been holding. It brought me back to life. It became an experience of freedom - it helped me let go.
Later, going deeper into Human Design and understanding my Projector type, I began to understand how important it is for me to step back the moment I feel tension building, bitterness. That vacuum in the body. When I'm holding energy that perhaps was not meant for me anymore. Or energy I've already learned from - and now it's time to release it, to open space for something new.
That something new doesn't have to be a new person, a new environment, a new hobby or a new path. Sometimes it's the same thing - but we meet it in a new energetic quality. A new level.
Shame, bitterness.. I now understand, was a messenger. It arrived not to punish me - but to show me I was ready to release something I had been carrying for too long.